I have decided to amend the definition of “wino.” I know this is a frivolous cause and one that most haughty, intelligent types would consider “silly” “purposeless” or as my father would say, “useless as tits on a boar” – which was a saying I always found odd and disturbing even as a small child before I even knew what a tit or a boar was – he’s a depression era baby and talk about obscure and outmoded terminology – have you sat on a “davenport” lately? But I digress. Back to our subject matter.

I have decided to redefine wino because the definition I retrieved when Googled (or as my mother says goo-goo’d – she is Asian ESL- I had to share that because I think it’s funny) is WRONG for many reasons, well 3 to be precise.

1. “Excessive amounts,” I mean really, that is totally relative and unmeasurable. I think excessive is an over charged, over used, over emphasized, over glamorized hyperbolic slur – especially in reference to wine.

2. “…or other alcohol.” Let’s get technical here – wine is not vodka, bourbon, Scotch, or pre-made margaritas in a plastic jug. How can a word derivative of “wine” now be within the same classification of other spirits? This is completely erroneous. Being classified with “other alcolhol”  gets under my skin as the inference is completely encroaching on our oenophilic heritage and unique cultural identity – is every Asian Chinese? Are all Latinos Mexican? Call a Cuban a Mexican and see what happens. Come on. This is very un-American and eerily Communistic.

3. Homeless? Homeless? Really now. I have actually never met a homeless wino. I have met homeless alcoholics, drug addicts, veterans, the mentally ill who are really really homeless. I have met the gentrified-challenged homeless (yes that is a direct hit on the tech industry and the eradication of affordable housing in SF and other places like “Silicon Beach” – raaaa-ther! It was so much more affordable when it was a gangland) I have met runaways and those displaced by economic downturn. Ha! Not a wino in the bunch. I must say I am not diminishing the importance of addressing homelessness and quite frankly, I am militant about eradicating it. There should not be one person in this country without sufficient shelter and support to enable a productive and healthy life with hope for the future….I’m getting on a soap box when I should be on the wine barrel – so I must now return to the original context of this topic.

This is about correct vernacular and the evolution of the meaning in the English language. I believe “wino” in the Anno Domini common era conotes a positive, celebratory community of like minded bon vivants who are resourceful in their pursuit of enjoying wine with reasonable frequency as to not upset their means for acquiring wine.

Raise a glass for the cause you winos and stand up for what is now a new and improved definition of winohood. No more blocking doorways in the Tenderloin. No more refusal of payment with change at 7-11. No more sneers from the cork sniffers. Tear off those paper bags and drink proudly, loudly, responsibly and with fiscal prudence! I’m still saving for those sandals.

Stay curious!