These are the tips and tricks for cheapo winos who want to host effortlessly or be a charming guest without incident.

Please drink responsibly and ensure your guests are as well. A good host takes every precaution to provide an enjoyable evening for his guests and that includes their survival through the evening relatively unscathed.

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1. Calling a Cab for that Special Someone

Avoid uncomfortable confrontation at party’s end with inebriated guests who insist on driving by hiding their keys, calling a cab, and whiling away the time feigning a search until the driver arrives. Pending how obnoxious the guest and how eager you are to close the chapter on that soiree, politely call the next morning to arrange delivery or pick-up. Even if they broke crystal and made a mess of things, only have them towed if you caught them in the powder room with your spouse and/or did something unforgivable with your Lhasa Apso.

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2. When Serving Cheapo Wine, Make It Special

Be transparent but be charming about it. Express to your guest that you want their honest opinions about a wine you could not resist buying after seeing the price. Refer to the service as a “tasting” and all opinions are welcome. They will appreciate the entertainment value and it will be a goldmine of conversation. The shared experience will get the party started, but just in case, have a solid back up. I suggest a Kim Crawford or any Kenwood of merit. In case of emergency, break glass and open up that liquor cabinet.

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3. Emergency Sangria Recipe 

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Total Time: 5 minutes

Ingredients:

• 1 750 ml bottle of red or white wine
• 1 Lemon cut into wedges
• 1 Orange cut into wedges
• 2 Tbsp sugar
• 1 Shot brandy for red wine or 1 Shot of gin for white wine
• 2 Cups ginger ale or club soda
• Plenty of Ice cubes

Direction: Put in a punch bowl. Stir.

As found on wineabout.com and augmented

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4. End Of A Lovely Evening: Be Delightful, Not Frightful

We all have had that moment when we may have tippled a bit o’er the rainbow. Don’t let that creepy inebriated leprechaun sneak up on you. Drink plenty of water throughout the festivities and if you find that you are starting to do things your spouse, mother, God would not approve of, tone it down a little. Go to the powder room, splash a little water on your face. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like what you see or are you right messy? Let’s ask that again…do you like what you see? Yes! Then smooth out your frock, shirt, tie, lederhosen, pop a mint and do some jumping jacks. Politely exit el baño, request some black coffee, some seltzer or a guest room for a laydown and sober up a little. Don’t over do it and become an utter bore but sharpen up enough to challenge Garry Kasparov at a game of chess or Gore Vidal in a debate over the virtues of the ruling classes. The soiree has ended, you are upright and visibly pleasant, time to leave. Remember, don’t be the last to leave or taunt a forceable exit by your host. Hint: if your host makes a costume change into pajamas and stares at you blankly, then it’s time to go.  Hail a cab, call your brother, use that mobile app, for heaven’s sake, please don’t drive – no, no, no, no. Un-chic and the kind of danger that is not fashionable. Once your driver has dropped you off and ensured you entered your domicile without incident, I suggest you stick to your same routine. Shoes off, night cap and gown, teeth brushed, animals in the rightful crates, cages and poufs. Before you turndown those Frettes, get a large glass of water, 1000mg of Vitamin C, a recommended adult dose of ibuprofen or anti inflammatory of your preference and bottoms-up. Night, night. You’ll thank me for this later.

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5. Perfect for Any Emergency!