The holidays are here and whether you await St. Nick or Harry Hannukah there is the perfect wine for every occasion and every gift. Nothing could be more cheery than a cheap gift with some cheap wine. Tacky? Shameless? Pas moi! I’m just selfishly thinking of the bottle of joy I’ll need after bringing so much joy to others. Shall we?
The perfect après mall parent giftset to take the edge off and reward the contrivance of happy memories. These pictures will bring a deserving chuckle years later only to trigger repressed emotions by your adult child who is now coping under the supervision of medical professionals. It happened to you right, so why break the vicious cycle of Santa torment now? It’s a time honored tradition!
2. Jaume Serra Cristalino Brut Cava, $8.99, Duct Tape, a Kitchen Timer and Oven Mitts
This hostess gift will ensure your Christmas meal will be cooked to perfection or at the very least tended. Use duck tape copiously to adhere a timer and mitts to the distracted host and anxious chef. Ideal gift for sister/brother-in-laws who vehemently insist on cooking the holiday meal, but really shouldn’t because their inexperience and lack of focus can lead to ruin. It’s not fail proof, but the wine is! Throw in a can of dry roasted peanuts if your feeling generous or don’t think you’ll have time to wolf down a quarter pounder before Aunt Helen says grace to memorialize the main course. Duct tape comes in handy if Aunt Helen digresses from fantastic to periphrastic.
3. Espiral Vinho Verde Portugal, $4.99, a Fire Extinguisher
You forgot to water the tree – for weeks but remembered to string those crackly old lights as you were too cheap to buy new. Your darling grandkids plugged all 6 of their refurbed electronic devices into a faulty adapter in a single outlet with your space heater. Your oldest nephew has lit the menorah and before you can say “Shamash” the seven year old twins swiped the matches. Papa Bob insisted on making a fire in the fire place before he took his medication…there’s a wine for that.
4. Black Blend California Extremely Rare Red 2012, $9.99, Batteries, Magnifying Glass, Tiny Screwdriver, and Pliers.
Those nieces and nephews sure love their gifts from Santa. They will love them even more when they work. All those tiny parts somehow go together if you look closer at the instructions printed on flimsy paper set in type fit for a near sighted thumbellina. If that remote controlled action toy still looks more like a burned out hoop-d on the wrong side of the tracks, don’t give up. Drink that bottle of wine and try not to poke your eyes out with the tiny screw driver or pull your toe nails out with the pliers. Frustration is self destructive but only if you let it get between you and that glass.
Christmas cards are rolling in and you’re ready to return the sentiment. What joy is it to repeatedly sign your name, the kids and the spouse over and over and over and over. Make that 3 bottles of Zin and a few shots of whiskey. Save some of those stamps for the paid bills to send out after the holidays. While you’re at it, let’s make it 4 bottles of Zin.
Always be ready with a heavy hand to honk the horn in the super store parking lot before you get backed into by another shopper too battle-worn to look in a rearview mirror. Keep your hands to the shelf while fending off the competition at the bargain rack. Some weight behind the velocity of a shoving match for that last pair of size 7 slippers will ensure you’ve got the upper hand. But don’t forget to nurture those cuticles and soften up those callouses. Hang-nails are unseemly while holding the hymnal when singing Silent Night. Keep it together!
Well finally! Some genius is marketing lumps of coal for Christmas. What better to pair it with but my own estate bottled 2014 vintage Chardonnay, that literally will add injury to insult. Takes “you better be good” to a whole new level.
8. McManus Family 2014 Petit Syrah CA, $7.98 and a Carton of Cigarettes
I call this “The Mall Santa Special.” Forget cookies, Santa really needs a jump start to the evening after being beseeched by throngs of screaming, leaking, demanding shopper bairn. Before the season ends, only to be return to his befitting career as an officer of a notorious biker gang he joined in the 70’s, he needs a bold yet delicate California Petit Syrah. Hell, his old Harley has got to get him from the Santa Rosa Plaza back to the safe house in Guerneville and he can’t conveniently detour to the Rusty Nail to stock-up on smokes and liquor ’cause the place damn got shut down after the last bust. Let’s get this party started early for Ole St. Nick (not his real name) as long as the kiddies don’t see him out of character. Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!